Antici…..pation

Tonight Maestro has planned my first flogging from him. It is a special event! Not only because it is the first time he has given me a flogging but also for other, more personal reasons.

The flogger is made of a beautiful soft leather, the handle is sturdy and the falls are roughly 18  – 24 inches long. Maestro has let me hold it, feel the leather and the weight of it, and has hung it on the wall so that I can look at until this evening. It is good for me to anticipate it. It makes the preparations so much more enjoyable! The build up is one of my favorite parts!

Here are some of the thoughts going through my scattered brain at the moment:

I have put new sheets on the bed, and made sure that the ropes for my tie downs are easily accessible. I have tried on the new lip-stain that Maestro likes (Shanghai Surprise – is there any doubt that this is a whore red?) and made plans for bathing and shaving and oiling before hand. My cuffs are unlinked and in a place where he will be able to get them easily, and all of the other paddles and tools are hanging so that they can be grabbed as he desires.

I will take a nap soon so that I am not tired this evening. I know that we are going out early for dinner and drinks, so I should anticipate giving him his bath after we return, and then bathing myself after. We will probably have another drink after the baths are complete and we are relaxing as the food digests. I fully anticipate that Maestro will use the strap and the cane on me as well as the flogger this evening. There are also new nipple clamps as we well as the clothes pins! I am so excited! I have requested a gag for the evening so that if (when) I cry out it will be somewhat muffled.

I hope that he will let me suck his cock beforehand! I hope he will have me kneel before him and ask permission to touch him! I hope that there will be bruises tomorrow that I can look at and that he can playfully poke! I hope he lets me orgasm!

I love being completely powerless before him, I love how he controls my body and mind! I love how he owns me!

I am a very lucky sub!

I am so looking forward to this evening.

Your Question

I have been away for a while and a really astounding thing happened in my absence, I suddenly have many more followers than before! Welcome! Please make yourself comfortable. I hope you enjoy reading about my experiences and life as a submissive and a human in this crazy world.

Another interesting thing that happened was that for the first time I had someone leave me a comment with just a question. “Have you ever had an orgasm without permission?” I intend on answering this in a moment, but first I wanted to say that if you – as a reader – have questions for me, I am open to answering them. I only ask that you do it politely, as that person did. Manners cost nothing and are appreciated here.

On to the answer.

Simply, yes. In the beginning when I was just in training, before Maestro was Maestro and before I belonged to him. (Convoluted, I know.) Before we were in any kind of a relationship he was my friend, and because of this he knew that I battled insomnia damn near nightly. So every night he would call me and we would go through breathing exercises to train me to relax. It was during these breathing exercised that I first realized I could focus my energy on my pubis and clitoral area, and often brought myself to orgasm – quietly – during our phone calls. Energy like that is interesting in that once I focused enough I could feel myself getting wet, and my labia swelling. The more I focused on how turned on I was getting by just breathing, the more turned on I became. I would often allow my hips to turn slow circles against my bed, and my imagination would roam through all kinds of scenarios during these phone calls, until every time he called I was fantasizing about being fucked by him. It certainly helped me sleep, but frustrated me as well, because we weren’t together, I wasn’t anything more than a friend to him. I was frustrating myself, and I tried to stop fantasizing about him and lead my mind into different areas. Not an easy task as it was his voice in my ear, trying to help me sleep, and slowly taking possession of my mind.

Neither of us were looking for a relationship at that time, we really were just friends. I don’t need to rehash this, if you are curious I dedicated an entire blog to him and our relationship.

Once we decided that we would be together he took control in earnest. He began training me in orgasm denial, which basically meant that I would only orgasm with his permission. Admittedly it is very Pavlovian in terms of conditioning, but even dogs take time to train. It is true that in the early training I still reached orgasm before he told me I could, and recognized that it was mostly mental. I didn’t have much difficulty being trained, I was – am – open to him and am suggestible in that way. Where I had some difficulty was listening to him and not the fantasies swirling around in my head. It was a matter of undoing what I had done so that he had complete control of my head and desires. Luckily, there was no punishment for it in the beginning, other than disappointment (which is pretty terrible!).

I never orgasm without permission today. My orgasms belong to Maestro and he gives them or withholds them as he sees fit. I belong to him, he owns this body, mind, and soul. He controls whether his pussy gets to orgasm or not. There are times when I walk around my house like a cat in heat! All purrs and rubs and “please, please, please”. There are also a fair amount of nights when he rolls over and teases his pussy before fucking it in a way that pleases us both. I am always satisfied with the control he has taken over his orgasms.

I hope that answers your question.

 

An open letter to my father

Years ago my Mother married a wonderful man, and though we have had our ups and downs, he has turned into one hell of a Dad for me. I put him through hell, and through it all he loved me. I have never had to beg for his love, I have never had to “deserve” his love, and even when he could have thrown up his hands and been done with me he didn’t. I consider myself very lucky to have him in my life. He is a better Dad than I could have ever asked for. He is a better Dad than even my father could be.

I am grown now, and in my growth (both in age and maturity) I have learned things about myself. I keep learning things. That is part of the reason that I felt the need to write this letter today.

Dear father,

I have spent my entire life trying to be good enough for you. Trying to make you proud. I have bent over backwards in an attempt to have you accept me and love me the way you love my siblings. After our conversation today, which ended with me crying – again, I realized that this is never going to happen. Talking to me is an inconvenience and chore to you, yet you get upset if I don’t call. What a trap you’ve set for me! There is no way to win…So I give up. I am done trying to get you to like me. I am a grown woman who, up to this point, still considered myself whole and healthy. I realized today that there was still this part of me hanging on to a “need” for you to treat me like your daughter, like you cared. Well, I don’t care anymore.

You can take no credit for who I am. My inner light, my spirit, none of them are due to you. I don’t need your approval, I don’t need your love, I don’t need you. I am done killing myself trying to attain the unattainable. I have enough people in my life, including the man I call DAD, who do see my light, who do encourage me and love me. People who don’t feel the need to point out my flaws. People who love me in spite of and possibly because of my flaws.

I hope that you live long enough to have someone tell you about my graduation next year, or my wedding in the summer, or when I am finally a Doctor. I hope you realize that I did all of those things without you. I hope you realize that I no longer measure my value on your approval. I hope you realize that cutting me out of your will had no impact on my life. I hope you understand that every bit of negativity you tried to bring into my life, I have already replaced with light and love.

Goodbye father, I wish you well.

I am free.

 

Truth

How true this is.

Frustration overload

Here’s the deal: I have been out of school for a LOOOOOOng time, so naturally (I thought naturally) it is going to take me longer to get information, right? Wrong. I get it. I know the stuff forwards, backwards and inside out. What I didn’t expect was the dreaded TEST ANXIETY!  Yup, I failed the exam. FAILED it! Badly. My brain went into vapor lock and the harder I tried to free it up the more it sealed up tight. *sigh*  So I have GOT to figure that out.

Since then (it was about 2 weeks ago, in case you wondered where I was) I have done everything I can to make sure that I know the information from my class. I know it! I went to my professor after the exam results came in and went over everything with her and proved to her, verbally, that I knew it. She can see that I have anxiety and recommended…Wait for it…that I try to get some Xanax prescribed to me. Um…yeah, no thanks.  The thing that kills me is that everyone on campus that I have talked to about this problem has suggested dropping the class. Bear with me while I rant for a moment. First of all dropping is not an option, the college made sure of that when they admitted me. Secondly, how does advising anyone to quit produce a better option for students? How are they supposed to learn a subject by quitting it? By osmosis? It’s a required course. Somehow taking time away from it will help someone be more ready for it? I say that if you encourage students to quit because something is hard then you produce an entire generation of quitters, and shouldn’t be surprised when nothing gets done.

On an unrelated note (sort of), Maestro has promised me a sound strapping and some time doing some much-needed cock worship if I study hard today and tonight. I am trying, but the University’s website is not cooperating.

Can anyone else relate to the position I am in? Mounting frustration from school which can be relieved with a night of strapping or caning and a couple of hours of cock time only to be blocked by a server error, thus increasing the frustration. Ugh, seriously I get wet just thinking about how badly I want it! Maybe he will see that at least I am trying to study hard and reward me. Here’s hoping.

The Gift

Last weekend Maestro and I were meeting with one of his old friends and his girl (subbie – not sure of the dynamic there) for coffee and brunch. I was excited because Maestro has spoken about this friend in length, and about how they hadn’t actually been able to catch up with each other in quite some time. This was a treat for him, and he was excited so it was a treat for me too.

The morning went like any other. We had some work around the house that needed to be done, and then I bathed and shaved Maestro, taking care afterward to put a dab of moisturizer on his head,  and making sure there was nothing else he needed before bathing myself. It was while I was dressing that he came half way up the stairs and said to me “Would you like your anniversary gift early?”

Here’s the back story: Maestro received a package in the mail last week. Normally he would open it and tell me what it is, or what it’s for or just pull it out of the package and ask me to do this or that with whatever it is. This time he took the package from me, said “Oh” and put it up on the shelf. Just like that. Just “Oh”. I asked him later what it was and he said “I bet you’d like to know, wouldn’t you?” but didn’t tell me. I asked a few other times and got basically the same response so I stopped.

So when he asked if I wanted my anniversary gift early I was a little miffed, and I was being stubborn. I didn’t want to have to ask for my gift. I just wanted him to want to give it to me. So when I said “No”, he chuckled and went downstairs again.

Argh. Okay so let me just be clear that I am aware that I just caused my own angst! Yup, got it. I went downstairs and said that I was now going stir crazy wondering what the gift was, and again he chuckled at me, (did I mention he’s a sadist?) but didn’t let me have the gift. He said “I’ll make you wait”.

So we went to brunch with his friend and his friends girl, and it was lovely. We had crepes and coffee and everyone talked about important and not so important issues, and just generally caught up. It was good! I really enjoyed it! His friend is very intelligent, well spoken, and has a lot of opinions on a lot of things (much like my Maestro, so I can see why the two of them are friends). His girl is very shy, and doesn’t make eye contact very well, but when she did talk she was articulate, smart, even witty. I liked them both!

We had some errands after brunch so we said our goodbyes, ran our errands and went home.

I had been working on a computer issue, and was feeling pretty frustrated because my having this issue directly impacts my ability to do my homework! At one point Maestro asked how I was and I said “I’m just done! I can’t do any more with this tonight.” He replied “Good, so you can put it down and come here.” Obviously I did, and he took me in his arms and held me tight and told me that he loved me very much, and that he had a gift for me that he had been wanting to give me for some time, and then he pulled the package from behind his back and handed it to me.

Long story I know, but this was the gift

  And even though you can’t see me very well, I am here to tell you that I am smiling from ear to ear.

That’s right, Maestro collared me. I am honored and humbled and have never felt such joy and love in all my life!

I am a lucky woman!

Overcoming fear

This was where my new beginning started, with this tattoo and the loving guidance of my Maestro.
“I shall not fear” had started with the Bene Gesserit “Litany against fear” which begins “I must not fear”. Maestro insisted I memorize it, that I make it a part of me, that I embrace it.

I did memorize it, but it didn’t feel right. It felt too passive.

After several discussions with Maestro I changed it. I felt like “I shall not fear” was more about taking ownership of my feelings.

I had long lived in the shadow of fear, and though I had grown beyond much of what I feared there were still some lingering things which would nibble at me when I wasn’t looking.

This year, after 10 years out, I returned to University to finish my degree and walk out (eventually) a doctor. I am afraid. There are aspects of this which you cannot even imagine that are scaring the shit out of me. Can I start with math? I am math illiterate, I am not ashamed of this though it can be embarrassing. It is what it is. Math is a foreign language to me. I am taking Statistics, I didn’t want to but I have to.
Ask me what else I am afraid of and I will tell you “nothing”. I have survived things that were supposed to have killed me by now, and yet here I am, still standing. So I can take whatever is thrown at me.
Tell me I have to calculate and I am reduced to a weeping pile of mush.

So. “I shall not fear” means I have to call Maestro and say to him “I need you to explain it to me like I am a five-year old.” or “Will you please come over here and look at this and tell me if I am even close to right on it.” Because, truth told, Maestro is a math genius. He can explain it to me, and though I can be frustrating to him, he does it in a way that I can understand.

I shall not fear means that I don’t get to throw in the towel because it’s too hard. I don’t get to give up. I shall not fear means that I will not be stopped because of the voice in my head that says I’m not smart enough, good enough, or young enough to do this.

I shall not fear. I shall not be stopped.

Luckily, when I do feel afraid I can get some much-needed “lap time” with Maestro and, fear or not, I feel right as rain in no time at all.

I’ve been away so long

I stopped writing this blog. Maestro didn’t want me to, he encourages me always and in all things. I stopped writing because I  had a disagreement, openly, with someone on this page and began doubting whether writing was the right thing to do or not.

I have recently decided that writing about my life with Maestro is important to me. Sometimes mundane, sometimes just a normal day in the life, sometimes hot and erotic. Always mine.

Having said that, know this: My life and My Power Exchange with Maestro are just that. MINE. Each life is different, each exchange is different, we are all different. I can not speak with authority on the way that a PE or BDSM should be, and I caution anyone from listening to someone who says that their way is the only true way. Figure it out, do some research, find out what works for you.

What you read here is my way. If you take away something useful from it then great. My advice is take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

Cha cha cha cha Changes

LITANY AGAINST FEAR

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Maestro has a plaque made for me and that is what is says. It is from the book “Dune” which I have never read, but it is a litany which rings true, I think.

Fear puts me in a bad place, a bad head space.

I am remembering this litany today, and it is becoming my mantra as I am moving into a new phase in my life.

I know that with the support I have in Maestro, and with my friends, I have nothing to fear and everything will turn out exactly as it should.

I have considered having the first line of this tattooed on me as a reminder..with one small change; Instead of saying “I must not fear” I think the tattoo will say “I shall not fear”. That’s a much more powerful statement.

It will be interesting to see where the path leads me.

 

Words are important

I love words!

Maestro is a wordsmith, and takes words very seriously. I love the way words form, their different meanings, the way different people use words differently.
Words can make someone smile, or cry. Words are important.

I sometimes have difficulty finding the words I want to use, and I fumble around trying to make sure that I am getting my point across. In doing this I sometimes use too many words.

One of the reasons why I feel so lucky to have Maestro is that he calms me. When I am struggling for words, or frustrated because I can’t find the word, he soothes me, helps me.

One of Maestro’s favorite methods is to dance with me.

Imagine this scenario; I am sitting (usually) explaining something, and becoming very animated because what it is that I want him to understand is not coming across clearly. He stands, crosses the room, and takes my hand. He pulls me into his arms, and starts to lead me in a slow dance. I’m still talking, but my focus has shifted slightly to being led in our dance. My speech slows, I am less animated, and my head seems clearer. I am able to find the words again.

Some people are careless with their words. Some people don’t realize that the words they use can hurt.
Today I had someone tell me that they didn’t value me as an employee. They said it with a smile on their face, and laughing all the while, but it hurt.
I have this rule about people I work with. The rule is that they don’t matter in the big picture. For the most part I am able to stick with that, I am not (generally) friends with people I work with. My job is not my life, it is what I do to fund my life. BUT, when a person in a position of authority says something like that (even though I don’t particularly care for this person), it hurts. While I don’t care if they like me as a person, it is important that they value me for the work that I do.

I turn to Maestro for reassurance, for focus, to be reminded what the priorities are.

I say “Tomorrow I am going to tell *** that they really hurt my feelings!”

Meastro says “What do you hope to accomplish by doing that?”

I respond “I don’t know. I just think they should know!”

He says “I think you should decide why that’s important.”

Why is it important? It’s important because though I am a sub to Maestro, I don’t lie prostrate for anyone else. It’s important because people shouldn’t be careless with their words. It’s important because I deserve to be treated with respect, because I work hard and I am not taking shit from anyone-ever- about the quality of work I do, or my performance.

Maestro nods at me and says “Okay, all good reasons.” and though he makes some suggestions about how I could handle it, he ultimately leaves it up to me.

*********************************************************************

Now that I have had some time to mull it over, I think I am going to let it go.

**********************************************************************

What does any of this have to do with submission or my life as a sub? What lessons are there in this?

The biggest part of it is a lesson that I’ve already had, knowledge that I continue to be reminded of.

TRUST

It’s trusting that Maestro will hear me out, without assuming the worst or that I am over reacting, and then him trusting me to make good decisions.
Trusting that he will not think less of me for having hurt feelings, trusting that what I say will not lead to his doubting me or our why he’s has taken me as his.
Trusting that I will behave in a way that will not embarrass him.

Without trust I could never really submit to him.

VALUE

When Maestro and I have these conversations I am reminded again of how much I value him and his opinion. At the same time, he makes it clear how much he values me and mine. Valuing Maestro is incredibly important but feeling valued is something pretty special. I know in his eyes I am not just any run of the mill sub, I am his, I am precious – all my thoughts, feelings, and opinions are precious to him. That’s one of the reasons why being submissive to Maestro is a pleasure for me.

UNDERSTANDING

I get flustered, I am not always able to articulate what I mean, yet Maestro understands me. Even without words he understands.

Words are important. Maestro teaches me daily about the value of words. My submission doesn’t need words, but the one’s I use are important.