Antici…..pation

Tonight Maestro has planned my first flogging from him. It is a special event! Not only because it is the first time he has given me a flogging but also for other, more personal reasons.

The flogger is made of a beautiful soft leather, the handle is sturdy and the falls are roughly 18  – 24 inches long. Maestro has let me hold it, feel the leather and the weight of it, and has hung it on the wall so that I can look at until this evening. It is good for me to anticipate it. It makes the preparations so much more enjoyable! The build up is one of my favorite parts!

Here are some of the thoughts going through my scattered brain at the moment:

I have put new sheets on the bed, and made sure that the ropes for my tie downs are easily accessible. I have tried on the new lip-stain that Maestro likes (Shanghai Surprise – is there any doubt that this is a whore red?) and made plans for bathing and shaving and oiling before hand. My cuffs are unlinked and in a place where he will be able to get them easily, and all of the other paddles and tools are hanging so that they can be grabbed as he desires.

I will take a nap soon so that I am not tired this evening. I know that we are going out early for dinner and drinks, so I should anticipate giving him his bath after we return, and then bathing myself after. We will probably have another drink after the baths are complete and we are relaxing as the food digests. I fully anticipate that Maestro will use the strap and the cane on me as well as the flogger this evening. There are also new nipple clamps as we well as the clothes pins! I am so excited! I have requested a gag for the evening so that if (when) I cry out it will be somewhat muffled.

I hope that he will let me suck his cock beforehand! I hope he will have me kneel before him and ask permission to touch him! I hope that there will be bruises tomorrow that I can look at and that he can playfully poke! I hope he lets me orgasm!

I love being completely powerless before him, I love how he controls my body and mind! I love how he owns me!

I am a very lucky sub!

I am so looking forward to this evening.

Your Question

I have been away for a while and a really astounding thing happened in my absence, I suddenly have many more followers than before! Welcome! Please make yourself comfortable. I hope you enjoy reading about my experiences and life as a submissive and a human in this crazy world.

Another interesting thing that happened was that for the first time I had someone leave me a comment with just a question. “Have you ever had an orgasm without permission?” I intend on answering this in a moment, but first I wanted to say that if you – as a reader – have questions for me, I am open to answering them. I only ask that you do it politely, as that person did. Manners cost nothing and are appreciated here.

On to the answer.

Simply, yes. In the beginning when I was just in training, before Maestro was Maestro and before I belonged to him. (Convoluted, I know.) Before we were in any kind of a relationship he was my friend, and because of this he knew that I battled insomnia damn near nightly. So every night he would call me and we would go through breathing exercises to train me to relax. It was during these breathing exercised that I first realized I could focus my energy on my pubis and clitoral area, and often brought myself to orgasm – quietly – during our phone calls. Energy like that is interesting in that once I focused enough I could feel myself getting wet, and my labia swelling. The more I focused on how turned on I was getting by just breathing, the more turned on I became. I would often allow my hips to turn slow circles against my bed, and my imagination would roam through all kinds of scenarios during these phone calls, until every time he called I was fantasizing about being fucked by him. It certainly helped me sleep, but frustrated me as well, because we weren’t together, I wasn’t anything more than a friend to him. I was frustrating myself, and I tried to stop fantasizing about him and lead my mind into different areas. Not an easy task as it was his voice in my ear, trying to help me sleep, and slowly taking possession of my mind.

Neither of us were looking for a relationship at that time, we really were just friends. I don’t need to rehash this, if you are curious I dedicated an entire blog to him and our relationship.

Once we decided that we would be together he took control in earnest. He began training me in orgasm denial, which basically meant that I would only orgasm with his permission. Admittedly it is very Pavlovian in terms of conditioning, but even dogs take time to train. It is true that in the early training I still reached orgasm before he told me I could, and recognized that it was mostly mental. I didn’t have much difficulty being trained, I was – am – open to him and am suggestible in that way. Where I had some difficulty was listening to him and not the fantasies swirling around in my head. It was a matter of undoing what I had done so that he had complete control of my head and desires. Luckily, there was no punishment for it in the beginning, other than disappointment (which is pretty terrible!).

I never orgasm without permission today. My orgasms belong to Maestro and he gives them or withholds them as he sees fit. I belong to him, he owns this body, mind, and soul. He controls whether his pussy gets to orgasm or not. There are times when I walk around my house like a cat in heat! All purrs and rubs and “please, please, please”. There are also a fair amount of nights when he rolls over and teases his pussy before fucking it in a way that pleases us both. I am always satisfied with the control he has taken over his orgasms.

I hope that answers your question.

 

Frustration overload

Here’s the deal: I have been out of school for a LOOOOOOng time, so naturally (I thought naturally) it is going to take me longer to get information, right? Wrong. I get it. I know the stuff forwards, backwards and inside out. What I didn’t expect was the dreaded TEST ANXIETY!  Yup, I failed the exam. FAILED it! Badly. My brain went into vapor lock and the harder I tried to free it up the more it sealed up tight. *sigh*  So I have GOT to figure that out.

Since then (it was about 2 weeks ago, in case you wondered where I was) I have done everything I can to make sure that I know the information from my class. I know it! I went to my professor after the exam results came in and went over everything with her and proved to her, verbally, that I knew it. She can see that I have anxiety and recommended…Wait for it…that I try to get some Xanax prescribed to me. Um…yeah, no thanks.  The thing that kills me is that everyone on campus that I have talked to about this problem has suggested dropping the class. Bear with me while I rant for a moment. First of all dropping is not an option, the college made sure of that when they admitted me. Secondly, how does advising anyone to quit produce a better option for students? How are they supposed to learn a subject by quitting it? By osmosis? It’s a required course. Somehow taking time away from it will help someone be more ready for it? I say that if you encourage students to quit because something is hard then you produce an entire generation of quitters, and shouldn’t be surprised when nothing gets done.

On an unrelated note (sort of), Maestro has promised me a sound strapping and some time doing some much-needed cock worship if I study hard today and tonight. I am trying, but the University’s website is not cooperating.

Can anyone else relate to the position I am in? Mounting frustration from school which can be relieved with a night of strapping or caning and a couple of hours of cock time only to be blocked by a server error, thus increasing the frustration. Ugh, seriously I get wet just thinking about how badly I want it! Maybe he will see that at least I am trying to study hard and reward me. Here’s hoping.

The Gift

Last weekend Maestro and I were meeting with one of his old friends and his girl (subbie – not sure of the dynamic there) for coffee and brunch. I was excited because Maestro has spoken about this friend in length, and about how they hadn’t actually been able to catch up with each other in quite some time. This was a treat for him, and he was excited so it was a treat for me too.

The morning went like any other. We had some work around the house that needed to be done, and then I bathed and shaved Maestro, taking care afterward to put a dab of moisturizer on his head,  and making sure there was nothing else he needed before bathing myself. It was while I was dressing that he came half way up the stairs and said to me “Would you like your anniversary gift early?”

Here’s the back story: Maestro received a package in the mail last week. Normally he would open it and tell me what it is, or what it’s for or just pull it out of the package and ask me to do this or that with whatever it is. This time he took the package from me, said “Oh” and put it up on the shelf. Just like that. Just “Oh”. I asked him later what it was and he said “I bet you’d like to know, wouldn’t you?” but didn’t tell me. I asked a few other times and got basically the same response so I stopped.

So when he asked if I wanted my anniversary gift early I was a little miffed, and I was being stubborn. I didn’t want to have to ask for my gift. I just wanted him to want to give it to me. So when I said “No”, he chuckled and went downstairs again.

Argh. Okay so let me just be clear that I am aware that I just caused my own angst! Yup, got it. I went downstairs and said that I was now going stir crazy wondering what the gift was, and again he chuckled at me, (did I mention he’s a sadist?) but didn’t let me have the gift. He said “I’ll make you wait”.

So we went to brunch with his friend and his friends girl, and it was lovely. We had crepes and coffee and everyone talked about important and not so important issues, and just generally caught up. It was good! I really enjoyed it! His friend is very intelligent, well spoken, and has a lot of opinions on a lot of things (much like my Maestro, so I can see why the two of them are friends). His girl is very shy, and doesn’t make eye contact very well, but when she did talk she was articulate, smart, even witty. I liked them both!

We had some errands after brunch so we said our goodbyes, ran our errands and went home.

I had been working on a computer issue, and was feeling pretty frustrated because my having this issue directly impacts my ability to do my homework! At one point Maestro asked how I was and I said “I’m just done! I can’t do any more with this tonight.” He replied “Good, so you can put it down and come here.” Obviously I did, and he took me in his arms and held me tight and told me that he loved me very much, and that he had a gift for me that he had been wanting to give me for some time, and then he pulled the package from behind his back and handed it to me.

Long story I know, but this was the gift

  And even though you can’t see me very well, I am here to tell you that I am smiling from ear to ear.

That’s right, Maestro collared me. I am honored and humbled and have never felt such joy and love in all my life!

I am a lucky woman!

Words are important

I love words!

Maestro is a wordsmith, and takes words very seriously. I love the way words form, their different meanings, the way different people use words differently.
Words can make someone smile, or cry. Words are important.

I sometimes have difficulty finding the words I want to use, and I fumble around trying to make sure that I am getting my point across. In doing this I sometimes use too many words.

One of the reasons why I feel so lucky to have Maestro is that he calms me. When I am struggling for words, or frustrated because I can’t find the word, he soothes me, helps me.

One of Maestro’s favorite methods is to dance with me.

Imagine this scenario; I am sitting (usually) explaining something, and becoming very animated because what it is that I want him to understand is not coming across clearly. He stands, crosses the room, and takes my hand. He pulls me into his arms, and starts to lead me in a slow dance. I’m still talking, but my focus has shifted slightly to being led in our dance. My speech slows, I am less animated, and my head seems clearer. I am able to find the words again.

Some people are careless with their words. Some people don’t realize that the words they use can hurt.
Today I had someone tell me that they didn’t value me as an employee. They said it with a smile on their face, and laughing all the while, but it hurt.
I have this rule about people I work with. The rule is that they don’t matter in the big picture. For the most part I am able to stick with that, I am not (generally) friends with people I work with. My job is not my life, it is what I do to fund my life. BUT, when a person in a position of authority says something like that (even though I don’t particularly care for this person), it hurts. While I don’t care if they like me as a person, it is important that they value me for the work that I do.

I turn to Maestro for reassurance, for focus, to be reminded what the priorities are.

I say “Tomorrow I am going to tell *** that they really hurt my feelings!”

Meastro says “What do you hope to accomplish by doing that?”

I respond “I don’t know. I just think they should know!”

He says “I think you should decide why that’s important.”

Why is it important? It’s important because though I am a sub to Maestro, I don’t lie prostrate for anyone else. It’s important because people shouldn’t be careless with their words. It’s important because I deserve to be treated with respect, because I work hard and I am not taking shit from anyone-ever- about the quality of work I do, or my performance.

Maestro nods at me and says “Okay, all good reasons.” and though he makes some suggestions about how I could handle it, he ultimately leaves it up to me.

*********************************************************************

Now that I have had some time to mull it over, I think I am going to let it go.

**********************************************************************

What does any of this have to do with submission or my life as a sub? What lessons are there in this?

The biggest part of it is a lesson that I’ve already had, knowledge that I continue to be reminded of.

TRUST

It’s trusting that Maestro will hear me out, without assuming the worst or that I am over reacting, and then him trusting me to make good decisions.
Trusting that he will not think less of me for having hurt feelings, trusting that what I say will not lead to his doubting me or our why he’s has taken me as his.
Trusting that I will behave in a way that will not embarrass him.

Without trust I could never really submit to him.

VALUE

When Maestro and I have these conversations I am reminded again of how much I value him and his opinion. At the same time, he makes it clear how much he values me and mine. Valuing Maestro is incredibly important but feeling valued is something pretty special. I know in his eyes I am not just any run of the mill sub, I am his, I am precious – all my thoughts, feelings, and opinions are precious to him. That’s one of the reasons why being submissive to Maestro is a pleasure for me.

UNDERSTANDING

I get flustered, I am not always able to articulate what I mean, yet Maestro understands me. Even without words he understands.

Words are important. Maestro teaches me daily about the value of words. My submission doesn’t need words, but the one’s I use are important.

Why the confusion?

Recently I have taken some time to read a lot of other blogs.
I did this with the belief that I don’t know everything there is to know about this lifestyle, and that I was open to learning more.
I take this learning seriously, especially when it comes to my role as a sub.

I found a recurring theme in many (Not all) of the blogs that was confusing and disturbing to me.
The theme was “My relationship with Master is so HARD”

Again, I want to say that I don’t know everything about the lifestyle, I don’t claim to be an expert on being a submissive. I just don’t understand this theme because, well, my relationship with Maestro in NOT hard.

We have very few disagreements, and when there is a decision to be made, we discuss it and he decides what is best for us. Does that mean that we always agree on his decisions? No. Usually we do, but when we don’t I have to trust that he is making his decision based on good information, and thought of what is best for the family. If I get new information to further dispute the decision he made, he always hears me, though that doesn’t always mean that he will change his mind.

He trusts me to advise him, he trusts my opinions. He knows that we share our goals, so I will also make decisions based on facts.

We don’t have problems because we don’t have power struggles. I am not stupid, he doesn’t think for me, but he is the head of our house. We have clear lines about our expectations of each other and ourselves.

Our power exchange is not “play”, we don’t have “scenes”, I don’t go from “wife role” to “sub role”, this is our life! We LIVE our PE, there are only two roles, his as Maestro and mine as his sub.

That is not to say that I feel like less of a person. He never makes me feel that way. He builds me up as his sub (and as a person in general) and in doing so strengthens my desire to serve him, reinforces my bond to him, and helps me become the best person I can be.

I am confused when I read or hear that the life of a sub is HARD, because I am not experiencing that.

I understand that my experience may be different from others, and in fact is VASTLY different from what I experienced at the hands of a bully who called himself Dom.  Yes, I get it.

My relationship with Maestro is one of mutual love and respect. I would not behave in a way that would embarrass him, and he would never humiliate me.
We grow together that way. We encourage each other. We believe in each other. We TRUST each other.

While he is, and will remain, Maestro, Head of Household, and Leader to me and our family, he is also friend, lover, and most trusted advisor.

Perhaps I am lucky. There are no battle of wills, no power struggles. Our life together is, blessedly, drama free.

 

You look so beautiful in white

I am sitting on point, Maestro standing before me stroking my hair, my shoulders, my breasts. He pauses at my shrinking areola and rock hard nipples, pinching each hard. He cups each breast, grabbing and squeezing the tender flesh in his fist.

I wince, Maestro smiles.

Maestro has spent the day working me into a type of hypnotic frenzy. I am unchained. Unhinged. So overwhelmingly his that he needs only gesture and I am seeking to please.
My pussy is slick with desire and aching with need. Tonight there is a new pain for me.
He had informed me earlier that he was going to begin impacting my breasts. Its something he has given a lot of thought to and tonight is the beginning.

“Stand.” he says and moves me in front of him. He has the white ropes spread out behind him and as he moves to get them I move too. He turns and gives me a puzzled look. “You didn’t say to stay.” I say meekly. ” I didn’t give you permission to move either. ” He reminded me,  moving me back into place.

He begins by placing the rope across my shoulders and knotting it just below my suprasternal notch and between my shoulders blades. I can feel his strong hands skillfully moving the rope this way and that, the warmth of them brushing my cool skin. He stops to show me that the rope will not slide; it can not, once tied, move forward or backward against my neck.  He is allaying my fears before I speak them.

His warm hands lift my left breast,  teasing the nipple,  and quickly wrap the rope twice around. It is not so tight that it will cut off all circulation,  but I know it’s there.  He repeats this on the right breast and they are both tied up and straining against the binding.

I feel ridiculous with my large breasts tied up in this manner,  but my aching pussy refuses to accept this feeling and replaces it with need.

I can hear myself in my head, all the things that I still cannot bring myself to say,  things he knows.  “Please Maestro! Consume me! I am your slut! I am whatever you want me to be! Possess me!”

He takes pictures of his work: My breasts tied in lovely white rope,  only slightly changing color, constricted enough that my nipples are pinpoints and oh,  so tender.

I am flying.  I am here and aware as Maestro locks my cuffs to the wall hooks,  but I am removed from it somehow. My mind only thinks  “Pain. Pleasure. More.”

“Darkling. ” Maestro’s voice in my ear, I am drunk on his voice and touch. “I want you aware of what is going to happen now. Are you paying attention?”  I nod.  He goes to his shelf and pulls down a row of clothes pins. One by one he pinches a piece of skin on each breast and places a pin on it. At first it feels good,  only a slight pinch, after a few minutes though, it really begins to hurt.

I let out little whimpers as he flicks the pins and watches them bounce on my swollen breasts. His talented fingers inch into the wet depths of my pussy,  massaging my sweet spot and working me further into this pleasure oblivion.

“Not yet Darkling.  I’ll tell you when.”  Locked to the wall I can do little more than grind against his fingers and beg. He quickly snaps one of the pins off,  just pulls it!  I cry out from the pain and he smiles at me while reaching for another pin with one hand, and fingering me with the other. Another pin snatched off. He continues this until they are all off and have left little pink marks.

“So beautiful.” he smiles at me. Then,  “Cum. ”
The force of my orgasm has me dripping down his fingers,  my leg,  and leaving a puddle on the floor. He continues to work my throbbing pussy to another orgasm and again orders me to cum, biting my breast as I do and increasing the intensity of my orgasm.

I lean back on the wall,  spent. “Not done yet, Darkling. ” He whispers to me. I feel his hands squeezing my breasts. When I look at him I see the pleasure in his face…and the stinger in his hand.  For a moment I begin to beg,  but I know what he is going to do. He had already told me he was going to.

He strikes me solidly,  the stinger lands just an inch from my nipple. I cry out from the pain but my aching need grows. He  repeats his actions on each breast as I begin to drift away again. Aware but removed while his fingers find my swollen clit and rub it to orgasm again.

“I’m going to unhook you now, and you may suck my cock when I do.”
And I do. Thankfully. Hungrily. Greedily.  I spent the next hour massaging him with my mouth and tongue. The smoothness of his cock satisfying my hunger. I lick and suck and play with the beautifully magnificent cock that belongs to my Maestro until he pulls me up on the bed,  flips me onto my stomach and fucks me hard, bringing us both to orgasm together.

I lie in his arms with sore breasts; well fucked and blissfully submissive!  He pulls  me closer,  kisses my head and whispers  “You are such a good girl. I love you, mine.”

 

Objects in Mirror may be distorted, OR My D/s PE doesn’t look like yours.

Maestro and I don’t have a lot of rules.  We do not have a lot of ritual in our relationship; he does not make me greet him at the door on my knees, for instance. The few rituals we have are ones that we both benefit from and enjoy.
During my “re-introduction” to this lifestyle Maestro and I had to sit down and talk very honestly with one another about rules.  There can be no deviation from some rules.  If there are infractions then there must be consequences.

The rules we have  are not flexible.

1. Lying is unacceptable. This seems like common sense, right? But it goes deeper than most would think. It goes into the “A lie is a lie no matter what the reason” territory.

An example: Earlier this year we celebrated Maestro’s birthday and I threw a surprise party for him. To no one’s surprise, he found out about it, but when he asked me who else I had invited I responded with a sly smile and said “No one”. This obviously was not the truth, and though we had a good time and he was happy to see all of his friends, he told me later that he was disappointed that I had not figured out a way to tell him the truth without giving it all away. Something like ” I invited a few more people, but it is a surprise” would have been more acceptable.
I was not severely punished as I honestly didn’t understand, or believe that I had lied in a way that was harmful. It was a little untruth, to keep from ruining the rest of the surprise. Now that I know how unacceptable even that kind of deceit is to him, if I were to falter again, I believe the punishment would be much harsher.
Since it has never been a problem since that time, I don’t know how severe the punishment would be for lying. I am always honest with Maestro, even when I know I will be in trouble for it.

This works both ways, though. I have to know that I can trust Maestro. If this trust were fractured it could be disastrous for us.

2. Cheating is a game ender. Neither of us share well, neither of us are willing to give up our playgrounds. We agreed in the beginning that if one or the other of us felt compelled to cheat then we should just leave. At that point there would have been some kind of serious oversight in our relationship. Also, cheating is really only another type of lying, which goes back to number 1. We agreed that there is no coming back from cheating.
An interesting side note: because we have that understanding and trust, we are also able to have conversations about people – even random people- that we find attractive, or sexy, without the hang-ups and insecurity.

3. I am not allowed to denigrate myself in any way. I have written about this before. Maestro expects that I will be honest, and that is okay. For instance, I can say that I am overweight, especially if there is a plan to deal with that behind the comment, but I am not allowed to call myself names. I can comment on my graying hair, I am not allowed to call myself a “hag”. The punishment for this is swift and severe. I am not having to be punished as often as before, maybe because I am learning to be nicer to myself, maybe because I am learning the rules. Probably a little bit of both.

4. Open and honest communication are always necessary. There are lots of reasons for this, and I could go into all of them and it might take all day, the short end of this is that it is important for both of us to know where the other is. That means physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When we aren’t open, things aren’t right. Last weekend, for example, Maestro had tied me to the bed and was beginning a beautiful strapping that I knew was going to leave lots of wonderful welts and bruises. Only I had been off all day, introverted, and not really in the mood to talk, and had not told him that my  pain level was elevated. So, sensing that something was wrong, he stopped short of the strapping that I wanted, the strapped he wanted to give me, because he felt the need to be cautious. Had I told him what was going on, instead of swimming in my head, he could have – would have- made adjustments. As it stood neither of us were satisfied. Beyond the kink, this type of communication has allowed us to head off possible disagreements before they were real disagreements, and soothe hurt feelings before any resentment built. It is vital to our relationship.

5. Maestro does not expect me to take shit from anyone – including him. This is a big deal.  I am allowed to stand up for myself, even to him. I must do so in a manner that is respectful, but I am expected to do so.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Maestro and I have a loving PE relationship, but I notice there are things that others have that we don’t. We don’t, for instance, have a safe word. Had I asked for one in the beginning I’m sure I would have one now, but I didn’t. I trust that he knows my limits, and he has not broken that trust. We don’t have a lot of rituals, though I bathe him nightly (unless I do not feel up to it).  I enjoy bathing him, and he enjoys it as well. Once a week I shave his head and face for him also. There are several little things that I do daily to serve Maestro.  I call them rituals, even though he doesn’t. But I am aware of serving him as I do each thing.
We also don’t have rituals about how I must speak to him. It is not necessary for me to call him Sir. I do, more often than I realize, though I think that is just manners and not ritual. He has never required that I do. In fact, the only thing that Maestro has ever required is that I treat him with respect. He will hear anything I have to say, even if it is critical of him, as long as I approach it with respect. If I do not, then I give up the expectation that he will listen.

And then there is love. Ah, love. Another blogger, Kelly (who’s writing I adore) brought up this topic earlier.

I love Maestro. I love him harder and more deeply than almost anyone (the children always take 1st place in my heart). How could we do what we do, go through the things we go through together, and there not be love? I love him, I have loved him for 25 years, I love everything about him.

I do not need him, and that makes loving him ever the sweeter! I have submitted to him, but I do not need him. He doesn’t complete me. I am already whole. The beautiful thing is that so is he. The lack of need leads to this really fulfilling want.
We are in each others lives because we want to be. I am his, wholly and completely. I am his submissive, and I am that with a peaceful heart. He is my Sir, my Dom, my Maestro, and he is perfect for me.

There are few rules and rituals in our PE, and others may need more of that in their relationship. This works for us and I am a happy sub!

That smile

That smile.
I can feel it even with my eyes lowered
As you stroke the top of my head
And tell me what a good girl I am

Smile
As my flesh conforms to you
Bends to your will
Smile upon my bruises

The warmth of it
As I serve you
My only wish in the moment
Is to see it, feel it, hear it in your voice.

I know I have pleased you
You are proud of me
I am proud
To be yours

Thank you for the smile, Maestro.
I love you.

The pain I know…

Let’s talk about pain.
We all know pain.
Some of us love it, crave it, need it in our lives.
Others don’t.

I do.
I was thinking this morning about my need for pain. It goes beyond sexual desires, it goes beyond wanting to please Maestro, it is simply release.
There is freedom from pain with my pain.

Here’s the sciency stuff:

When I experience pain my body releases chemicals such as dopamine, prolactin, cortisol, oxytocin, and endorphins, to help deal with it.

Dopamine is the “reward” chemical. It is one of the chemicals that has made me the eager submissive that I am. It drives the reward-seeking behavior, it drives my sexual arousal, it is what has me begging Maestro for more.

Prolactin provides the body with sexual gratification after sexual acts, it counteracts the effect of dopamine, which is responsible for sexual arousal. Prolactin is what makes you sleepy after orgasm and is also thought to be responsible for the refractory period after orgasm.

Oxytocin decreases fear, and increases calm by decreasing the stress hormone cortisol. It also helps facilitate bonding, which explains why I feel closer to Maestro after he has taken the strap to me or caused me high amounts of pain.

Endorphins perform several functions, but their best-known one is acting as a painkiller and a reward, causing a feeling of euphoria. Endorphins lock onto cells called opioid receptors, blocking the transmission of pain signals. I relate this to the “flying” feeling I get sometimes, the pain is gone and only the pleasure remains.

Now to the personal stuff:

I am revealing something about myself in this blog that may seem counter-intuitive to some, so I hope I can explain it well.
Here goes: I have a chronic illness, it causes me a lot of pain, a lot of the time. I don’t think it would be a understatment to say that I am in pain every day, all the time. My tolerance to pain is high. I do not consistently treat it with pain medication, in fact most days I get up and go to work, and push on through without any help at all.
Also, as I have revealed before, I am a masochist.

I have had people say to me “No wonder you are in pain all the time, look at those bruises!” “How can chronic pain and masochism exist in the same reality?”

All those chemicals I mentioned before…they help. A lot.

So what does it mean for my submission? How does it affect my life as a sub? What does it mean for Maestro and his Dominance?

It means that Maestro has to be aware of my joints when he is tying me up. He has to be in control of each strike to make sure that no real harm is being done. He has to be aware of me, and where I am.

It also means that there is always a high level of communication and honesty between us. He doesn’t want to harm me any more than I want to be harmed, but if I am not telling him where I am he won’t know or be able to determine where the limit is. And I don’t do either of us any good by trying to be strong and not tell him. While communication should be, I feel, a large part of any submissive’s life it is especially important that I let Maestro know where my limits are or what pain I am having at any given time.

I also want to point out that Maestro and I are in a long-term relationship with one another. Though the strappings and lessons are wonderful, and I am honored to be his, we are really just normal people…with a few small differences.
So..back to pain. One of the interesting things that I have found is that when I am having a bad pain day, a good strapping helps. It acts like a deep muscle massage; the muscles get worked over and warmed, blood circulation increases, and chemicals are released that make me feel relaxed and free of pain for a while. Masochism lets me choose between the pain I can control (the external pain that Maestro so lovingly doles out) and the pain I can’t control.

I choose to manage pain with pain. It’s not for everyone, but it works for me.